Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Hamburger: The Motion Picture (1986)
"We reserve the right... to refuse service... to ASSHOLES like YOU." - Vunk
"That fat motherfucker right there. That fat motherfucker right there. Them two giggling twin motherfuckers right there. And that skinny walnut headed motherfucker right there ordered 72." - Magneto Jones
"Put those cookies back... MOTHERFUCKER." - everyone in unison.
This is the kind of classic fair you would have seen on USA's "Up All Night" or The Movie Channel's "Joe Bob Brigg's Drive-In Theater". I remember watching stuff like this in the early days of HBO and Cinemax at my dad's used car lot where he had cable before they brought it to the part of town where we lived. Movies like this were made remade over and over. I think there was a Hot Dog movie as well right before or right after this one was made. Classic 80s teenage comedy. Starring Dick Butkus and the ever hot Randi Brooks in HAMBURGER: THE MOTION PICTURE!!!
This kid gets kicked out of a bunch of schools because chicks all want to bang him. He gets in trouble and they send him to the dean, and if the dean's a chick, then SHE tries to bang him. His dad is super pissed and makes it so he can't get into his trust fund if he doesn't get a college diploma. So instead of trying for a nice school and a bigtime diploma he says fuck it and applies to go to Buster Burger University. This is based on McDonalds Hamburger University that they had in the 80s.
So he signs up for the program and moves into the dorms. He gets a roommate whose only purpose in life is to get laid. However "Proco" (our hero) wants to do anything BUT get any ass seeing as how this is what's been getting him in trouble. But sure enough, first thing that happens is girls start sneaking in through his window. He successfully ditches the first few and meets up with his new teacher. Dick Butkus is a real asshole who has it out for him from the beginning. That dude gives them 3 rules. They can only eat food from the University, they have to stay on school grounds, and worst of all (or best in Proco's case) they aren't allowed to have sex the whole time they are students.
Proco is pretty good at dodging the ladies for a while, but somehow falls for a teacher who just so happens to be the CEO's daughter AND Dick Butkus's fiance. So Butkus decides to do everything he can to get rid of Proco from the beginning. Proco's roommate falls for the CEO's wife (Randi Brooks). They are after each other from the beginning. There's a scene where they go after each other in a Chinese restaurant and then they are messing around in a helicopter and somehow it takes off with the soul singer character Magneto Jones along for the ride. Then they crash the helicopter in Dick Butkus's car.
There are some other funny character's like a fat guy who shocks himself to control his overeating, a nerd who gets hypnotised into thinking he's a chicken and a nun who have some pretty good lines. In the end, the final test is for the candidates to run an actual Buster Burger restaurant. Butkus is out to sabotage them and hires a morbidly obese eating team to come through, a biker gang, and a group of angry cops who all come and destroy the place. Ill let you watch and see what becomes of Proco and his team of burger achievers. Should you see this? If you can find it, I'd say watch it. This is some classic forgotten comedy of an age that you can truly say, "they don't make them like they used to ."